I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
