The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
