too bad you live with your parents still
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
