this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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