i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
