So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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