Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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