Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
