I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I checked into jail on foursquare
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
