Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
