i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
