Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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