and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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