Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you have to choose: penises or morals?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize