she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
