All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
