The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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