all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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