dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
