I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We need a shit load of segways right now
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
