My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
