Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
