you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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