Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
