apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
