Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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