I will die if light touches me.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
