Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
