i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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