you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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