i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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