I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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