I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Yo dont text me then not text me
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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