i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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