I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
