I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
