I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
