well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
