ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
