p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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