Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Enjoy the penises
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
