Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
