we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
