Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Randomize
