I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
