she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
soo... how was my night?
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