Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
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I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
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I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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