She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
