were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
