can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
