There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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