If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
