the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
