i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
