I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
