My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
