How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
