All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
